Hurricane

TRIGGER WARNING: This post addresses very serious topics, including suicide.

“When I was seventeen, a hurricane destroyed my town

I didn’t drown, I couldn’t seem to die”

—From “Hurricane” from Hamilton: The Musical

I was willing to wait for it to make sense, but the universe wasn’t intent on offering me even the slightest bit of peace. Instead, a “High Storm” had been brewing on the horizon and I was suddenly thrust into it, still bleeding from past wounds. 

Early 2024, I almost lost two of my closest friends. I had a friend, I’ll call him Jay, and he had suddenly made a lot of changes in his life. I’m leaving out a lot of details for the sake of anonimity. Either way, I had thought that the changes were just because he had decided he wanted a change of pace. It was a Sunday before work and I was talking to someone else, someone we both had only met recently. This mutual friend told me that Jay had tried to commit suicide and that was the motivation behind the life changes. I couldn’t figure out why Jay hadn’t just told me. It weighed on me, yet I still went to work and clocked in. I was an adult, I had things to do, I couldn’t dwell on it. The very next day, before work, I found out my very closest friend, who I talked to almost daily, had tried to commit suicide as well. Again, not from him, but from a very close mutual friend. One right after another just broke me. I went to work and cried in the bathroom for an hour, I just couldn’t seem to stop. I couldn’t understand why they would just want to give up like that. My manager sent me home and I felt so ashamed. I was grown, I had bills to pay, I should be able to clock in and work and then deal with all those pesky emotions later—but no, I could not. I didn’t know it then, but these were only the first gales of the High Storm that approached. I thought that it had already hit, but I hadn’t even gotten to the worst of it yet. Once again, I had a summer working 60+ hour weeks again. Despite not fully unpacking all these feelings that had been building up, I bravely stood firm as I watched the storm approach. Then, it hit. 

In July, my Great grandma on my dad’s side died. My great uncle, who I was very close with, also began to decline in health. My mom’s mom, we called her GG, her health was quickly declining too. I could see it coming, but I could do nothing but stand against the torrents of torment.

In August, I began my first semester at a new college, Lindenwood University. I was still working overnight shifts. For that first week, I would work an overnight shift, then go home for an hour, then go to school after. I would often be so exhausted, falling asleep on my couch while waiting to go to class, it was awful. Then, I got covid. This threw everything off. I had to go back to work and school the instant I recovered, trying to catch up on everything. I begged my manager to let me switch to dayshifts again. He wanted me to wait until they could hire people to replace me. I have always been a bit of a people pleaser, so at first, I said it was fine. But as the semester progressed, I found both my mental and emotional state slipping. I couldn’t focus on anything, I was always exhausted, it felt like I just couldn’t catch a break. 

I tried to stay strong. I went to work, I clocked in, I cried in the bathroom. I went to school, I went to my classes, I cried in the bathroom. I went home, I tried to do my homework, I cried. I was so tired. I talked to my brother every day. The fridge was empty again and the money was tight again and I told him to stay strong, and I hung up and I cried again. I talked to my mom. GG was giving up and she probably wouldn’t be around much longer, and I told mom to stay strong, and I left and I cried again. I was exhausted. And I stood in the storm. I waited for the pain to make sense. I stood and I waited. And the rain kept pouring and the lightning kept striking and the wind kept buffeting. And I got up, and I went to work, and I went to school, and I talked to my brother, and I talked to my mom, and I cried. I needed a break.

There was an event that occurred, a straw that broke the camel’s back. I don’t remember what it was. All I know is that I left my job around midterms and just never came back. I told my manager I could not work anymore until I got switched back to dayshifts. I finally went to dayshifts, having a normal schedule for the first time in years. I started going to student counseling, thinking it would help me sort out everything. And for just a bit, I was in the eye of the hurricane. 

HAMMOND AND HAMILTON
Non-Stop
Legacy
Unfinished Symphony
Intermezzo
Wait for It
Hurricane
The Eye
Memento Mori (Warning: suicide)
High Storm/The Unimaginable
La Fine/Pain=Creativity