A break

For my class, I should have posted yesterday, but I didn’t. In all honesty, it was because I was tired. I came home after my classes, I drank some coffee, and I laid down on my couch waiting for the caffeine to kick in and give me the energy to do my homework. I never got up from the couch. The coffee didn’t help and I found myself nodding off, drifting into an exhausted sleep. I am a very hard worker; I have two jobs (totaling 40 hours a week) and five 300-level college classes. Sometimes I wonder if it is worth my health and sanity to work as hard as I do and put as much effort as I do into my classes. Would it not be easier to do the bare minimum and just coast by? I don’t know. I’ve never been one to take the easy road. I hope to actually learn during my time in college and take that knowledge with me after I graduate—I’m not just here for the degree. It is possible that I am pushing myself too hard, so I think allowing myself to fall short in some areas so that I may thrive in others is a healthy way of dealing with it all. I feel as though I am a juggler and I have been thrown just a few too many balls. If I operate at 100% I can keep them all in the air, but humans can’t operate at that level forever. Eventually, one of the balls will fall. I just have to be strategic about which ones I choose to drop for a moment and today, it was this one.

I tend to be a perfectionist. I have a 4.0 GPA and there’s a part of me that desperately wants to hold onto that. It’s a pride thing, but it’s also just a fear of failure. Getting a B in a class is not failing, yet my mind perceives it that way for some reason. I know the reason—it comes from my childhood and how I was raised—but it’s so interesting to me that being aware of it and knowing its origin are not enough to allay these feelings. 

I wrote an essay on my TikTok topic (say that five times fast) and we had a discussion about it in one of my classes. I had originally intended to write a blog post about that, but I think I’ll save that for Monday. It’s been a long week. Get some rest. I’ll try to rest a bit as well but I have much to do and not much time to do it. See you on Monday.