Deltarune #2

What does it mean to rip something out of your soul?

This is something I’ve been asking myself lately and I wonder if Kris from Deltarune might have an answer for me (this is so stupid but whatever).

In Deltarune, the character we control is named Kris. I implied this in my previous post, but in the game it is explicit that we, the Player, have taken control of Kris and are quite literally directing their every movement. Now, you might be asking, “What do you mean? Don’t you control the main character in every game you play?” Well yes, however, not every game makes it clear that the character within the game is being controlled by an outside force. Deltarune does. At the end of Chapter 1, Kris wakes up in the middle of the night, rips their soul out (souls are represented by a heart in Deltarune) and pulls out a knife. Once Kris pulls out the soul, if you try to move, you move the soul, not Kris. This makes it clear that we are Kris’ soul, or at the very least, we have taken the place of their soul. In the Undertale/Deltarune lore, humans can survive for a period of time without their soul. Several times throughout the game, Kris rips out their soul and puts it somewhere it can’t escape (a cage, under a cabinet, between couch cushions, etc). We stay with the soul even as Kris leaves and does things offscreen. It is the only time that Kris has agency. Every other choice, every other action, it is all dictated by us (and we can make Kris do some truly horrific things as well). Only once Kris takes back control and temporarily gets rid of us are they fully in control of their own actions. The game is not yet finished (and I haven’t even finished everything that’s currently out) but it seems that Kris is working towards getting rid of this imposter soul, us, and regaining autonomy.

I have been pondering this idea and wondering if there can’t be some kind of parallel drawn between this and my own life. My previous essay in my Creative Non-Fiction class was somewhat about rejecting the expectations of others and accepting yourself. As an adult I have come to realize the importance of this. I have come to realize the importance of removing people from my soul to take control of my own life again.

In December of 2023, I moved out of my parents’ house. At that time, I had already begun the process of becoming my own person apart from my family, but that process progressed much quicker once I had my own bills to pay. Strangely, I began to notice how much I was still living for others even after I had moved out. There were so many things I didn’t do, not because I didn’t want to, but because the expectations had been drilled into me. Even after moving out, I didn’t cuss or drink or smoke. Those things were more surface level (and I honestly did not have a desire to drink or smoke anyway), but soon I began to notice even deeper things instilled in me. I didn’t wear an Adidas hoodie at the same time as my Nike shoes because one time, someone had made fun of me for it. I would only put a small amount of peanut butter on my PB&Js because one time, someone had said that I was putting too much on my sandwiches. I would only play video games for a certain amount of time because growing up, it had been instilled in me that free time should be extremely limited and should be primarily dedicated to specific things (like reading your bible, for instance). It was strange that even though the people critiquing how I lived my life were no longer around every single moment, their hold was still on me, they still haunted my every action, they still were in my soul. One extreme example of this comes from a core memory of mine. I was very, very young, probably around three years old. My granny had been talking to me and my mother. Then she walked away and I said to my mom, “Granny walks funny.” My mother berated me and told me that we do not judge people, only God can judge people. Even now, that memory sticks with me. Is making a simple and true observation judgement? Is judging other people a purely negative thing? I’d say no, but for years and years, I acted as if it was.

Eventually, like Kris, I gained the willpower to rip these things out. I began to cuss. I began to wear whatever I felt like wearing. I began to put as much peanut butter on my sandwiches as I wanted because dammit I bought that peanut butter with my own money! I began to play video games as much as I wanted because I was a fucking adult and I could spend my free time however the fuck I wanted. It wasn’t about rebelling against what I was taught, it was about allowing myself to think for myself for the first time, to free myself from the expectations of others and decide what I wanted. It’s strange because I feel that before I started this process, I had much less of a personality. At home and around family, I performed. I was expected to be a good kid, so I was. I was expected to be the responsible one that never did anything bad, so I did. This gave me a lot of anxiety whenever I fell short because it felt like I wasn’t living up to everyone’s expectations of me (something that was amplified by my father’s often impossible expectations of me and my siblings—whoops, I mean my siblings and I. My mistake). I was expected to be a Christian God-fearing man, so when I began to have doubts, when I began to feel that I was a fraud for not being able to detect God’s presence how everyone else could, when I began to cry over the fact that I couldn’t hear God’s voice no matter how hard I prayed, I felt like it was a personal failure. I actually once tried forcing myself to believe Christianity so that I would fall back in line with what everyone expected of me, but that’s a story for another day.

Quick side bar that is related, but also tangential: To this day I have never dated anyone. Whenever my family would ask me if I was talking to any girls, I would tell them no and they just wouldn’t believe me. Why wouldn’t a guy like myself—young, smart, self-motivated, respectful, responsible, decent looking, and in fairly good shape—be covered in women? First of all, I have a terrible track record with women. They either don’t like me romantically and we are friends (which is fine and, I think, healthy) or if they do like me, they’re crazy and I have to avoid them. Maybe it’s just bad luck that that’s been my experience, idk. Take it up with whoever’s in charge of all this shit. Second of all, most of my life I’ve prioritized other things instead of romance. I’ve often put school and family first, not even considering romance much. Why is there such an expectation to date someone? Why isn’t “no, I’m not talking to any girls right now (actually it’s WOMEN, because I’m an ADULT and I don’t talk to GIRLS). Thanks for asking, please leave me alone” a valid answer? Why can’t they believe that I’m simply single? Not sleeping around (ew), not fighting the “girls” off, not “hiding a girlfriend from us,” just single. Thank you very much.

Anyway, I had to cut their expectations of me out of my soul and accept that I may disappoint them. Not cutting out them, cutting out their expectations. It’s an important distinction. Once I came to accept that I may disappoint my father with my choices, he seemed to respect the fact that I was at least making choices for myself. He seemed to respect that my choices came from my own wisdom and knowledge, even if that led me to do things different than what he wanted. Is that what being an adult is? I guess so. Can I survive having ripped those pieces out? Only time will tell. Kris must take out the soul to gain control of their life again and work towards autonomy and in a lot of ways, I had to do the same thing, I suppose. Sometimes, I wonder if I missed anything. What expectations are still lurking inside my soul? I’m not sure.

More Deltarune content soon.

Probably.

See you later.