Hunger 2: Strange post today

A liltlil loose

I usually write up my post in a separate document and then copy/paste it here (mainly to avoid errors and such), however, I just don’t feel like doing that today. If there are additional errors or whatever, I apologize. I just feel like keeping this one real loose (hence, mispelling “little.” I thought it was funny and I like palindromes). This was supposed to be posted on Monday, but I did not have time to finish it, so here it is today.

Archives

My professor is big into archival stuff atm and has asked our class to incorporate it into a blog post. The National Archives defines an archive as “a place where people can go to gather firsthand facts, data, and evidence from letters, reports, notes, memos, photographs, and other primary sources.” They also say “Whether or not you realize it, you probably have an archives in your home. It might be in a filing cabinet in your study, a box in the basement, a chest in the attic. It is your personal archives: a collection of material that records important events from your family’s history.”

Based on this definition, I have concluded that my closet—which contains all of my old notebooks, my old homework, over a decade’s worth of my writing, obituaries, certificates, and more—is an Archive. If my professor, disagrees then I’ll just take the hit to my points I guess 🤷🏾‍♂️

What does this have to do with Hunger?

I’m glad you asked that. I had a distinct memory of writing about the concept that I would eventually dub “Hunger.” I remembered the specific time period during which this feeling manifested, even though I did not yet have a name for it. I scoured my old notebooks and found myself losing hours of time reading through the writing of my past self. I plan to make an entire post about the changes I noticed over the passage of time, but I want to keep this post focused on Hunger.

Surprisingly, I found much less than I thought I would. My notebooks were filled with much less journal entries, and many more stories and doodles and church notes. Pages upon pages of chapters of books I never finished. Hundreds of random doodles ranging from comic book characters to strange animals to abstract shapes. Lines upon lines of notes from church services and their implications. I did not get a laptop until September of 2019 when I was 16, so for years and years, I simply wrote. I filled three and a half notebooks with my writing, and I’m sure there are plenty more loose papers somewhere in my closet too.

Side note: Reading through these old notebooks has inspired me to get back into physically writing things down. I have noticed that my handwriting has deteriorated since my time in college and I think that’s a shame. Although it doesn’t have the same longevity or readability or convenience as typing, there’s something special about looking at these old books and transporting back to the moment I was writing them. It feel much more personal than reading digital journal. Perhaps there is inherent value in physical media, at least for me. Idk, just a thought. My post about my old journals will likely delve much further into all this.

However, I was eventually able to find a few entries that I think are relevant. They all have one thing in common: Something related to my motivation to Live. For me, Hunger is about doing more than just existing, it’s about Living with a capital L. I am currently a fairly non-spiritual person, yet this is the most spiritual thing I believe in (belief isn’t the right word, but I don’t really care). Even when I was younger, I wasn’t sure whether to attribute it to a god or to something vaguer (is vaguer a word?) like “destiny” or “fate,” yet I can’t deny that it is a true feeling. Hopefully, you will be able to see the connection that I do.

09/14/17

This is an interesting one because for me, it connects back to this idea of will and stubborness. To me, it is an important aspect of Hunger because without any stubbornness, you would be dissuaded or discouraged very easily. In this entry it is painted in a negative light, but I think that stubbornness can be a positive attribute as well. Standing your ground could very well mean standing by the truth, depending on the context.

Undated

This one is quite legible. To me, this is another aspect of Hunger. It’s this desire for something that transcends simple desire. You know that it will be difficult, but this path of Living is not for the faint of heart and you know that the reward at the end will be worth the trials and tribulations. You Hunger for it, and that keeps you going.

04/09/19

This is a very important entry because it was around the time where I was deciding to choose my own path in life. I had realized that no one would help me to become the person I wanted to be, so I had to help myself. I was self-motivated, trying to become the person I wanted to be. I have an anecdote about the laptop related to my father, but I will save that for another time as well. Either way, I made lists about things I wanted to get done and how to accomplish them. Then, I went and did it. I’m proud of myself for that.

01/17/20

The main part I think is important in this post is the beginning, when I am pondering the concepts of power and will. I will type out the relevant part here, in case it is unreadable:

“Power. Where does it come from? Human emotion? Or something deeper? If it comes from our spirit, is it set from birth? Or does it have to do with it being gifted from God? Or maybe it’s your will? Maybe it’s personality related. Love. Will. Will to me means strength of the spirit. But what is love?… These are some things I want to explore, perhaps through writing and stories about the potential meaning behind these things.”

Similar to the post about hard-headedness, this is connected to that idea of Hunger. This thinking about power and will is reflecting back on myself and my own motivations behind doing what I do. Even then, I felt that calling ever forward. The thing that carried me through all the bad times.

Outro

don’t have much else to say. a weird post ig but whatevs. They’re all for me anyways. This blog serves the same purpose as my old notebooks do, to look back on one day and see where my thoughts were at the time. To have a peek into the mental state of my past self. Isn’t that weird? To somewhat immortalize a piece of a past version of you for your future self to read? Kinda cool, I think.

K bye. That’s all.

See ya.